Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
