here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
