Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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