You made me cry and you don't even care
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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