I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
