Where did you get a picture of my penis
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
