I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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