Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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