you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
