I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
