he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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