based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
