I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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