I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm both gender and math confused
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
