i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
