she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
