My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
