i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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