my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
