I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
two words...techno handjob
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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