I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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