you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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