Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
