all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
