They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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