happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
