just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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