He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
