Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
