the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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