Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
