You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Acid is not a monday night drug
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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