he looks like a really good dad on facebook
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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