Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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