I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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