I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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