Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize