It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
