just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
