Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do vagina's smell?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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