Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
