it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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