i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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