We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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