How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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