I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
