I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
