Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
