woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The Olympian is in my bed
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
