People in love make me want to vomit
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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