Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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