Little spoons don't ask big questions
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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