I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
