hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
