it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
