I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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